Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Deep thinking going on!

That is how I feel at this moment :)
Somewhere between uber excited and giddy (annoyingly so) and then at the same time feeling nauseous and terrified (not a good, anticipation sort of terrified. Like a train coming towards you as you're tied to the tracks kind of terrified).
The giddiness comes from the fact that it looks like Christie is going to be able to run a good portion of it!! Something that for the past month hasn't looked so possible. Also from the simple fact that what we've waited so long for is almost HERE!!
The nauseousness comes from just that... its almost HERE. Either I will or I wont. Either I'll push through it and finish strong or I'll hold back and have regrets.
That's my fear. Regrets.
We have different fears- Christies is injury and not finishing. Mine is not living up to my potential. Well, I suppose that could be hers too! :)
We talked today and I told her how I feel like I haven't pushed myself. When her and Pat got injured I sort of acted like I was too. I did my long runs and the majority of my short ones, but I wasn't injured. I know that during this race I need to remember that my breaking point is just that- mine. I need to find the balance between running part of it with my Christie and enjoying the fun that we've set out to create and acknowledging that moment where we both know when its time for me to go on ahead. I'm dreading that moment. Where I have to take a deep breath, give her the biggest hug ever, and say something sappy like, "Next time we see each other we will both be MARATHONERS!" and go on. Alone.
Just typing this brings tears to my eyes.
I don't like being alone, doing things alone, going on alone... you get the point. I'm like a parrot.
But, I think that may be what God's been teaching me through this.
I continue to pray my heart out that miracles will abound and Christie will be able to run the entire thing with me! But, I'm trying to embrace the fact that there may be that moment where she watches me run away and that if shes OK with that I need to be OK with that.
I started to write that we do everything together and we need to do this together, but that's not true.
Noah slept through the night before Will did. And we celebrated both victories at their own times. She got married years before me, I had a baby before she did... most of the monumental experiences that I always think we did together- we didn't. We just enjoyed each others victories as if they were our own.
Now I get it :)
That's what we'll do on Sunday. Whether we run the entire thing together or not. If I run ahead I'll text her when I finish and she'll cry tears of happiness and whoop for me somewhere on the course. And if I'm able I'll find her 1/2 mile out and finish with her, or maybe I'll just be on the sidelines screaming my head off and bawling as she comes across the finish line alone- because shes the strongest woman I know. Either way we've done this on our own, but somehow God's given us the ability to enjoy each others victories and share in each others hard times- so much so that only now, 13 years later, I am finally realizing that the majority of it was one at a time.
This post probably doesn't make any sense, but for me this has been huge. I can hardly see the screen because I'm crying so hard and my kids are asking me why I'm sad and if they can have a snack! Haha!
C- I love ya, chicky-tina :)


Christie said...

OK, I'm crying even harder reading this the 2nd time around. This is truly eye-opening for me. Sarah...I honestly never realized that we didn't do those things at the same time. TOGETHER, yes, but not at the literal same time. And the fact that neither of us ever realized that in 13 years makes our friendship that much more profound and priceless. We have been giving the immense gift of being able to rejoice in each other's highs and grieve in each other's lows as if they were truly our own. If that is not a testament to the depth of our friendship, then I don't know what is. I love you more today than ever before!! Thank you so much for the eye-opening insight and just for being a friend beyond measure. I have never been more excited to run this race TOGETHER with you, in our own version of side-by-side. :)

Christie said...

Omg omg omg!!! I just realized that now with this new insight, we get to cross that finish line TWICE!!!!!!!! Eeeeeeeee!!! I just got so excited for both of those moments!!! :) :) :)

Wendy Anderson said...

You two are so sweet! I'm tearing up reading this, and I am in no way impacted at all by any of it. Thank you for being vulnerable and allowing us to see your beautiful hearts and to learn from what God is teaching you. Praying, praying, praying. The finish line is in view, go get 'em girls!!

Kris said...

You truly are living this verse:
1 Corinthians 12:26 (NIV)
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
You both are a testament on how we all need to be with each other in the Body of Christ. Thank You for sharing, you both are an inspiration to me in life and in running :)